I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
