I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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