Ambien. No doubt about it.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
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