1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
