I can text with my tongue
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
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