idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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