if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Randomize
