I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Is it penis luge time yet?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
