My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
