Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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