you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
