Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Jerry, you need to find god
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
