Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
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