you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
