im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
