the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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