we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
