can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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