two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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