I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
