she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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