It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
