I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
