how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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