filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
