I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
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