wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
