the condom got lost in my hair
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
