At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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