I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
