I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
