Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
