I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
