I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Randomize