Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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