Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
