the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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