she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
