she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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