i just made my gag reflex go away.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Randomize
