I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
So many bounce houses so little time
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
