So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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