omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
