Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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