In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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