Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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