Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize