I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
