i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
