I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
