He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
