I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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