I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
