First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
A+ Viking dick
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
