I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
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