I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
