I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Randomize
