How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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