somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
