i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
