I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
