do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
