I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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