I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
