That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
