dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
